This is one of these blunt posts. Feelings will probably be hurt. Friendships may end. Assassination attempts may be made. Nuclear wars may be started. It may not sound like there's any love in this post, although this post is ironically about love, this comes straight from the heart. This is as honest as I get. There's a hint of sarcasm in there too.
Two topics that play a negative role in my life are living in Amarillo and my (basically non-existent) dating life. More people have commented negatively on the first one because they don't see Amarillo like I do. They don't understand my problem with living in Amarillo. That topic, I can understand why they respond the way they do. But the second topic really surprised me. Some friends brought up their concern about my personal life. I was actually told to be brutally honest but that wasn't something I wanted to do in my school's student commons. I would rather be brutally honest in a more discreet location. When I'm brutally honest, feelings get hurt, people get upset, maybe even mad ..but they did ask me to be brutally honest. The whole "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything" rule came into play pretty strongly at that lunch because things would have gotten ugly had I spoke my mind. But to be brutally honest, that rule has to be broken here, and right now. Here goes..
I had a interesting lunch at school one day, sitting with a couple of friends. 2 of the friends are married to each other and the third person is just an interpreter. They were questioning why I was single and how come I hadn't dated any of the girls in Amarillo. I couldn't summon up the words to describe why because one of the challenges of being intelligent and deaf is trying to find the right words and communicate using them through sign language so that the other person understands me. I've always thought I communicate better online through emails, chatting, or texting than in person because I can make my points more clear and my arguments are easier to understand. I hate to say it but sign language is actually limiting to me. But that's just a challenge I have to go through in life which I don't mind at all.
Anyways, back to the lunch segment of the story. My dating life was in question. I simply explained that there weren't any girls here that I'm interested in. Then the interpreter started naming off every girl that is a part of the deaf community here in Amarillo. None of which I have any interest in dating based on several reasons individually. But I could tell the interpreter was starting to come off as a bit annoyed that I wouldn't date any of the named girls. Then one of the couple asked me what if God wanted me to date the interpreter, would I? While this is a very good question, this is a commonly asked and abused question. I have been asked many times what if God wanted me to date so-so, and ultimately, would I? But I have never had a good response to that question until now.
This is the response I would have gave had we not been in such a public place. I cannot force myself to become attracted to something I'm not attracted to in the first place. So what if I don't like certain girls? There are reasons why I don't that have nothing to do with physical appearances. Yeah, I check out girls that are physically beautiful but do I base who I'd date and who I wouldn't solely on physical appearance? Absolutely not. A girl can be physically beautiful but spiritually ugly, have a horrible personality, bad morals, or the wrong priorities. Don't think just because the beautiful girls that catch my eye are the only ones I'll date. More than often, I don't even try to talk to them or interact, because oftentimes they don't know sign language. There are certain things I look for in a girl and sign language is a major factor. This is just one of the many reasons that has nothing to do with physical appearances.
You know what? I'll just list some of the reasons why I don't hit on every cute chick out there. I dislike smokers, heavy drinkers/drunks, party girls, girls that sleep around, obnoxious, high-maintenance, slutty, unintelligent, annoying, gold diggers, foul-mouthed, girls who have no ambition or goals. You see, physical appearance is not the most important quality. It plays a factor though, yes. Attraction is what starts each and every relationship, although not always physical attraction. Again, I cannot force myself to be attracted to something I'm not. Just like I cannot force myself to love something I don't. Love and attraction are something that just happens naturally. Yeah, I'm a complicated guy. It's hard to please me, but I believe somewhere out there, there is a girl that matches me perfectly and maybe she'll prove me wrong about Amarillo. And that girl will attract me. But right now, none of the girls in the deaf community here fit into that role. Sorry, but that's just the truth.
As for the God question: if God really wanted me to date a girl, He would have had me fall in love with said girl or become attracted to her. That's how He works. We're long past the days of the burning bush. I'm not going to be walking between the HELC computer lab and the JBK Student Commons and all of a sudden a bush becomes ablaze and I hear "Matt, go date this girl." If He wants me to fall in love with a girl, it will happen. Otherwise, He hasn't told me to date any of the girls that you think I should. And to be honest, I'm glad He hasn't. If you think I should date a girl here that I'm not attracted to, then I'm not sorry to tell you no. Try to set them up with one of your friends that might think they're cute but quit pushing them on me when you know I'm not attracted to them. But as for me, this is MY life to live as God sees fit. Not yours. I'm not your personal Barbie and Ken set. You have your own life to do whatever you please.
As for the whole hot rods thing, right now, that is more important to me than finding a girlfriend. It makes me happier than a girl ever has. I'm pretty convinced that should I end up with a wife, she will be hearing, or from a deaf community outside of Amarillo. There are plenty of people who are happier being single and building hot rods than if they were married and had kids. If I end up in that category, so be it. If I don't and I actually end up married and with kids, so be it. And when I made the comment of how I could move into a shop because building hot rods is what makes me happy, I was insulted when someone kept telling me "Oh, you'll never be satisfied with that. You'll be done and there'll still be a hole in your heart and-" excuse me..
Did I ever make a comment about hot rods being more important than God? No. I may be obsessed with hot rods, but is hot rod building a sin? Does it say somewhere in the Bible that "thou shalt not touch the fruits of Henry Ford's labor?" You are simply making a statement based on the little, if any knowledge you have of me. I can still serve God and glorify His name while building hot rods. I can still go on missions. I can still participate in church. I can still volunteer at church. I can still contribute. There are people who have built and sold hot rods and made money that went to charities and to mission funds. It's not just hot rods. People have made gracious contributions for greater causes doing what they love that has absolutely nothing to do with hot rods. But since building hot rods is a sin, I guess I'll sell everything I have and become idle, wait and see what kind of horrible unspeakable evil can entrap me or what addiction I develop. Sorry, but hot rods has kept me as far away from being idle as anything else can. Including girls. Building hot rods keeps me in line. And when I look back at my high school years, I'm glad I got into hot rods and don't have a bad history with girls. Especially from my high school. God knows how many pregnant teenagers and mothers there are today and over the last several years, and I can honestly say I'm not one of the guys that contributed to that statistic. So before you try preaching to me based on your assumption; Think. Ask. Investigate. Be sure your assumptions are right because the wrong assumption was made the other day.
So I think I've voiced my opinion pretty well and have made my point. If your feelings are hurt or you feel mad at me, remember the request was made to be brutally honest. I'm not a people-pleaser and don't feel bad about not being one. If I lose friends, oh well. From now on, next time you feel the need to bring up your opinion about my life, ask. There are friends whose opinion I'll take to heart and friends whose opinion is worth nothing to me. Frankly, life is much too short to take crap from everyone. I want to be as nice as I can be to everyone but when people start having expectations about my personal life, that's when I draw lines in the sand. I refuse to be the next "The Truman Show."
The Amarillo blog will come at a later time. This question struck a personal nerve with me and just had to be answered.
